Bacon Lube Anyone?
Lube always appears on lists geared toward how to enhance sex. Whether you're looking to give a better hand job, enjoy masturbation more, or spice up sex with a partner, lube can be an easy, fun solution. It's wet, reduces friction, and just makes the whole experience a lot smoother. But what about flavoured lube? With a billion flavours available — even weed lube is a thing — you'd think there's a pretty big market out there for it. But who is buying cherry or sour apple flavoured lube exactly? And do we really want our partner's bodies tasting like artificial fruits
Like regular lube, flavoured lube, is made with the purpose of improving your sexual experience — specifically anything using your mouth. So whether you're licking pumpkin spice lube off a penis, coconut lube off a stomach, or bacon lube off a vagina, the idea is that everything will taste mouth-wateringly good.
Sometime in the late 2000s, sex-having humans stopped being satisfied with lubricant's traditional gamut of tastes — strawberry, banana and pina colada — and started looking in their cupboards for other inspirations. The results are an inspirational tribute to the power of human ingenuity. Fruit's now old-school, charmingly outdated; the real stuff's a Michelin-starred gourmet experience. We're reaching the point where Willy Wonka's three-course-meal gum is a reality in lubricant form.
Lubes with flavour have actually been around for centuries, with ancient examples including olive oil and mashed yams (though that was more necessity than hunger). But, regardless of their origins, flavoured lubricants of all kinds aren't going anywhere. So I've scoured the internet to see what the most outrageous flavours out there are.
Since of the legalization of cannabis in Colorado, an enterprising lubrication company has released the world's first "weed lube," a combination of coconut and marijuana oils. Foria is designed to enhance the sexual experience through increased sensitivity and relaxation, and thus far, the reviews have been pretty stellar.
This one got a lot of mileage when it first came out, because it was produced as a joke, and then the makers at J&D's Foods discovered that people were seriously willing to buy it. I guess it's true - everything does taste better with bacon!
This falls into the category — alongside salted caramel, mocha and other undoubtedly tasty flavours — of Things That Are Fine But Maybe Shouldn't Be On My Bits. I love a dessert treat, but why slather something so hunger-inducing on a body part that won't produce anything nutritious? Also, there's a risk of me getting confused and biting it.
To me, this is by far the most confusing, because red velvet cake does not taste like much of anything. It looks beautiful, but it's plain sugary cake with red food colouring and nice frosting. If you're going to pick a cake to distil into a sex aid, why not pick something elaborate? Lemon Meringue? Black Forest? Christmas pudding?
Fluid bubble gum just sounds like an accident. It doesn't sound like a sexy interpretation of a much-loved texture experience; don't we all just put up with the synthetic, squeaky taste of bubble gum for the pleasure of creating large balloons with our mouths?
I'm sorry, but if the lube doesn't give me the pleasure of making sticky globes in and around my partner's most intimate parts and then popping them, I'm not on board.